The BikepLAgue crew this month...

Chris Michelle

Lisa Morgan

Matt The Lars

Max Trista b. Cover photo: “Locking UP" by

Nathan Snider (nsnider@ gmail.com) _———k———SESESEE SE SS ee

Yo! Wanna get involved? Got something to contribute? Want to distribute to local shops and stuff? Get in touch then, yo.

E-mail us at bikeplague @gmail.com mae SS ee Se eee

This

work Is (cc) licensed under the Seay Creative

Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.5 License. To view a copy of this license, visit htto://creativecommons.org/licenses/by- sa/2.5/ or send a letter to Creative Commons, 543 Howard Street, 5th Floor, San Francisco, California, 94105, USA.

Basically, this license means you can copy it freely under the same terms as long as you attribute it. Hell, copy it and sell it for $1 to recoup your copying costs! BikePlague is constructed by boring semi-employed geeks using Scribus under Linux. Hell yeah!

aaa See ee el

Needless to say, Bikeplague in no way endorses the sorts of stupid adventures

and stories contained within these pages. aaa a ee ee ee eel

= 2

YO KIS. Welcome to the first issue of bikepLAgue. The urban bike scene is LA has really picked up in the past year or so, and we're pretty stoked about that. We figured we'd like to put out some sort of zine to focus on what's up with bikes in LA, spread the word about upcoming rides and events, help out spreading some bike lore and generally have a good time and cause some chaos while we're at it. This first issue inevitably focuses on stuff that we've been involved with, but we want people from throughout LA to contribute stuff and make this some sort of a center for bike stuff in LA. So if you commute two miles a day by bike and know of a good eatery along the way, if you had a great time at a ride and want to write a review of it or if you want to get some issue off your chest, write it up and send it to us. We also encouage stories of falling off your bike and injuring yourself (along with photos). Hey, and someone design us a logo, OK?! The BikePlague zine is part of a larger project which were calling BikeSwarm, through which we're going to put on events and suchlike. Watch this space.

Enjoy, and ride safe...

ae.3 cplentor..-& ; jars goo. Breeze ORNS evi a: post IA Bike HST ct. 10 to locking YOR — 11 qude (cont) --- 11 se ns A? 4 Reerrerea have qo rok atone ard You OH * wan Be tT SFPD nek MB- gpindle- - - 19 es jas wo cook my IE flyer. BIKEPLAGUE #1 c=

Cranksgiving, the annual alleycat put on by the messengers, was apparently awesome (I turned up an hour too late to do the race itself). Skid competitions etc afterwards polished off the evening nicely. November Critical Mass was dead small. | only made it ‘cos it was thanksgiving holiday (it's too early for me_ otherwise). Conversely the holiday meant fewer people than usual. A fun ride from the usual Wilshire & Western meeting point the last friday of every month — at

6pm

into Hollywood and back. December Midnight Ridazz paradoxically involved more exposed flesh than any (except maybe the Stripper ride back in 2004) Ridazz | can recall, despite it being December. | guess that's what happens when they call it a pool party ride. |

personally Saw four (yes, four) people go over their handlebars

the ride. Careful, kids. A

select few ridazz made it onto a party in a loft in

downtown where we were quickly yelled at and

was a pool on the ysee). Infiltration of a

A VW dressed Nn oe ie would you believe? ne ee ed to a similar ejection, this time by security. Tsk. BikeWinter is coming in January: for those of you who missed the glorious days of BikeSummer just gone, BikeWinter is ten days of bike stuff going on in LA. There are races, rides, and other fun stuff. Check out winter.bikeboom.com for the full scoop. The event that we're plugging the most is the one

e==BIKEPLAGUE #1

were putting on, a stage race on some of the steepest hills in the world in our very own backyard (figuratively speaking, that is): Echo Park and Silverlake. Check out the snazzy flyer on the back page for details. You can also check out the calendar in this issue for some events. Also, If you would like to put on an event, get in touch with

those guys. Stolen bike: Our buddy Jack had his bike stolen on December 16th from near Sunset & Normandie. It was a dead nice mountain bike: an XL Trek VRX 200, blue with black forks (see photo). It was an older model and is a huge size, making it very unique so please keep your eyes out and contact us or Jack if you see it (after you wrestle it back from the fucker riding It).

Longer Front Center Dimension

, Longer Top Tube

Shorter

Jack's bike was thieved. boo!

January Is looking pretty exciting. We shamelessly lifted the contents of the www.bikeboom.com calendar to let yall know what's up. Check it out for full details and up-to- date listings. And if you want your event included in this Calendar - submit it to www.bikeboom.com, not us!

+! Ss goin ' on?

January 1st - 7th: On Sunday 1st, there's a Vintage Bike Ride - it says anything pre-1985 is good, but all are welcome. 10:30am at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena. Our favorite crazy valley dwellers, The Choppercabras, have a ride on Wednesday the 4th. Meet in the back Parking lot of Nathan’s Tattoos located at 7222 Topanga Canyon Canoga Park, CA, 91306 at 8:30pm. Slow pace for 5-10 miles. May even be tallbike jousting beforehand. You have been

warned. That night (and every Wednesday night) there's also the East LA Bike Oven. Check out our interview with Josef for more on that. The on Friday the 6th there's Santa Monica Critical Mass. You know the deal. Meet at entrance to Santa Monica Pier (Ocean Ave. @ Colorado Ave.) at 6:30om. That evening at 9om is the grand BikeWinter Kick- off Party at the A-house, 210 N. Rampart Blvd. Yom, free BBQ, cheap beer, DJs, dancing, and live hip hop by Rebels to the Grain. Yeah! Then on Saturday 7th there's a free CORBA mountain bike skills class in Malibu State park at 8:45am.

January 8th - 14th: this is the main week for BikeWinter LA. Like I! said, check out winter.bikeboom.com for full info. In brief though, on Sunday 8th there's an Anti-war Bikeride at 10am meeting at Highland Park

eauon : (Continued on page 11...)

It appears that we've already disgruntled one reader, Bryan _ Farhy, before our first edition went to press! Bryan writes to complain about the dietary options eleX TT ee} on nt) BikePlague / BikeSwarm stage race (see the flyer on the back cover).

Well Bryan, we're sorry

Bryan Farhy <bryan@uncle.tv> bikeswarm@gmail.com Ride

To: Subject:

"Vegan pancakes: Wow, | can't imagine how wonderful they must be!!!

This event; the hill climbs in obscure LA neighborhoods, is a ae

sounds really fun, and I'd love to os iT, aye tk or clas Dee ae | his will just be A OUNC |

Beane tacit eer in an elevator in Newark then soend a day on

my bike with them.

Ps- know what | cooked tonight?- Lapin (that's rabbit) in a mustard sauce. It

] rful. our choice of post-race (iia wonde

feed doesn't appeal to you but we hope that

Bryan Farhy y LE Partner+Executive Producer you'll be able to make it UNCLE

just the same. Needless to say, your superior musculature due to a correct rabbit-based diet will mean that you will do extremely well relative to your vegan or vegetarian ool e-lel mo mem Ee

1207 Ath Street

Santa Monica, CA 90401 310-260-7520 Office 310-260-7530 Fax 310-498-5584- Mobile www.uncle.tv

confidential

NOTE: This message Con ss reenor Ine

HS A eer oe distribute, or disclose any cipient, you Mm ; ; | ) oe ince in the message. If you oie Risener ae transmission in error, please notify the sender by reply e-mal

message. Thank you

Incidentally, we wondered if you'd let us know your Lapin recipe? We're dying to try it out on our recently purchased TofBunny™.

=> 4 me FT KE PLAGUE + 1 am

One hundred miles on a roadie ride in deliberately obnoxious non-roadie gear. I'd be riding 40:15 on my orange Nishiki that I'd originally found at a bus stop some two years previously; Max would be using 44:18 on his yellow KHS; Alec rode his riser bars on

CooL BREED

unbelievably good.

That night we slept in a schoolyard a block away from the start of the ride. We found a gap between a couple of buildings next to a hedge

e @ ®@ tow e say

or.a while, RUE ir LE wes

seccebgep $ozrthe 20k Esau eBEEReS fueeBagecescary- he ey’ tha now «“3fior 5. 3 and laid down some

em BIKEPLAGUE

The Cool Breeze century is a ride put on every year up in Ventura. As century rides go, it's really easy. Few hills, rest stops about every twenty miles and hundreds upon hundreds of other riders so it's hard to make a wrong turn. We decided that we'd ride up to Ventura from LA the day before, so we spent friday afternoon pushing against a hearty headwind up PCH from Los Angeles, arriving in Ventura a few hours after dark. That was tougher than we thought, totalling around 70 miles but with messenger bags stuffed with sleeping bags, gatorade and pasta burritos, we were pretty uncomfortable by the time we arrived. Alec had the biggest bag, and the biggest gear in the headwind, so he decided to head home from oxnard. He called his sister for a ride while we ayy ate at a taco bell. He ig = ™. » said to keep going, but /iigiie.-

cardboard on the ground for insulation. | don't think we got to sleep until about 1am after messing around and chatting, feeling moderately ridiculous. Max set his alarm clock for 6am and we got some sleep.

Waking up at 6am was tough. It was cold, we were still stiff from the ride up the previous day and it wasnt properly light yet. Yeuch. Nevertheless, we hauled ourselves out of our sleeping bags and got into our clothes. We made a concession to comfort by wearing spandex under our cut-off shorts and | ended up taking my U-lock out of my rear pocket about half way through the ride and put it in my bag. Selling out to the original idea? Maybe. | didn't really care at that point though. We snuck out of the schoolyard

and up to the start point where | was overjoyed to find that they had some coffee. |

Max and | had a good iE i drank a_ load hanging out groove f « ~9s and we going, and didn't really ~*~ # procrastinated feel too eager to ‘ at the — start remount our wheelec @™ point. A couple steeds. After playing a is i people monster drawing game, Sie. | 4 made

and hanging out at the taco % : ce \- comments bell for a solid three hours, \*~ 3% —» about our Alec's sister Jenny showed ‘= =F" bags. We and gave US some organic ‘** 3) were both raisins, maybe it was just the bs yas less enthusiastic

ride, but they — were

# 1

about this ride than we had been when

= 6

wed originally planned it - ass apocalypse seemed a grim inevitability by the end of the day and the weight of full messenger bags on our shoulders wasn't going to helo comfort matters. We delayed further by chatting to a couple of girls sat on the table next to us, one of whom had an AlDSLife/Cycle Jersey on. I'd ridden AIDS Life/Cycle in 2004 and Max had just completed the 2005 ride. I'd done it on a five-speed road bike, Max had done it on his fixed gear.

Nevertheless, procrastination could only go on so long, so we hopped on our bikes and were off. The first fifteen miles headed west along the coast to Rincon Point, where the first checkpoint was. We covered the distance steadily but we werent going terribly fast and people slowly overtook us. The checkpoint had piles of food, which we dutifully ate.

The next stage featured the only hill of the ride. Riding fixed, we overtook a lot of people: it's either ride, or fall over. Egos were boosted as we overtook roadies who noticed we were riding fixed. ‘Yeah, —_ fixed gear!’ ‘You gusar <r" — 7? crazy’... and of course, | ' they overtook us on the downhill.

The middle section of the ride was easy riding, but | became increasingly uncomfortable. My ass was killing me and ! | extremely stiff shoulder where my bag was pulling on me. Occasionally people would stop to ask us what we had in our bags. ‘Sleeping bags’. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer! The going was steady. People occasionally recognized us from other rides. One guy asked, "Bicycle Kitchen?". He recognized me from another ride where I'd discussed the kitchen with him. | tried to follow him but was spinning out at 24mph on the flat, and let him go.

By the last rest stoop at mile 80 we were desperately uncomfortable but in high spirits. Max would remark, "So then, | hear that the Lord is

= FTKEPLAGUE

had an eee

coming in Glory and his name is Satan?", referring to the sticker on my chainstay that said the same. "Yup", I'd reply. We bantered with other riders, spotting cool people, one particularly good moustache. Probably the coolest were the couple with a trailer with a dog in it. At every rest stop they'd let the dog out. It seemed perfectly happy with the arrangement. | swear | ate more calories at that rest stop than I'd used that day. A group of women from Team in Training asked us if we were Just riding fixed to impress the ladies, one of them made a comment about attractive young men. It seemed like a deadly situation. We got back on our bikes and headed to the finish line.

The last fifteen miles retraced the first, blasting back down PCH and parallel roads with a tailwind. The finish line was a welcome sight. Max had some achilles pain going, so | was five minutes ahead of him here (I'd been unsuccessfully trying to chase down a roadie who'd overtaken me on the last stretch), so |

ge bts dashed inside and

~ Claimed my patch and got a plate of food. We went and sat on the grass and stretched out a bit and discussed the ze next stage. | D wanted to ride back (I had some big rides coming up in the next two months); Max thought he'd spare himself further damage by taking Amtrak back to LA. In the end we decided to take leave of each other. Max lent me his LED light, so | wouldn't just have my short-lived nightrider, and | bid him farewell. By now it was 5pm and | had 70 miles to go to get to Santa Monica. | also desperately wanted to get past Trancas before sunset. There had been some nasty roadwork that Matt had warned me about after he'd ridden down to LA from San Francisco a few weeks previously. | sure as hell didn't want to be rear- ended by a truck on PCH. | had three hours.

The first hour was mentally tough. Ass

em BIKEPLAGUE

apocalypse had firmly set in and the best | could do was to simply not shift around on my saddle too much. The ride from Ventura through Oxnard is bleak and boring. There were grey clouds ahead and | was worried it might rain. I'd stuffed my bag with snacks at the last rest stop, but | was also a little concerned that | didn't have enough food on me to get me through to Santa Monica without collapsing in a rubbery, sugar-starved heap.

| disciplined myself. Five minutes break every hour. | stopped at the entrance to the Port Hueneme military base and pissed against the wall, and chowed down a couple of fig rolls. | Swear doing that doesn't take ten minutes usually, but | look at the computer on my bike and | see that that's how long I've been off my bike. Back on the bike, spinning away.

| cheer up after | pass the headland at Port Hueneme. The scenery shifts from grim agriculture to wilder ocean vistas, cliffs and a golden yellow light from the sun that is getting lower in the sky. | stop again at Sycamore Cove to eat a couple more fig rolls and half a bagel, then jump back on the bike again. | fret about the minutes of daylight left but eventually hit the roadworks at Trancas just as the sun is setting. | stop on the side of the road and wait for a clear spot, then take the whole lane as | ride the length of affected area. It's a little concerning - the whole road is reduced to one lane with no shoulder - but taking the lane and keeping an eye on the car behind me ease my concerns.

| hit the rolling hills after Zuma beach just after it got properly dark. | had a rear light and two front lights, so | was pretty well prepared. It anything, | began to feel stronger now that the sun had gone. | approached each hili with a positive attitude, ana didn't delay in pounding up each one in turn. The top ot the Pepperdine hill was a relief to arrive at. | stopped ofi at the baseball — park

rain, mud and dust.

restrooms to get water. There was a temporary outdoor cinema set up and a lot of Malibu residents milling around. | wondered what they thought of me. | got back on my bike and scooted down the hill to find a callbox where | called my friend Tom to see if he was into meeting me for food when | got back to LA. "Sure", he said. We agreed on meeting in an hour at a Thai restaurant on Wilshire. Only when | put the phone down did | realize how hard it'd be for me to blast down PCH and then up into eastern Santa Monica in an hour!

Nevertheless, | put in the effort and held a steady, fast pace down PCH. Never have | feared for my life more. Saturday night, 80m, on PCH, is NOT the place for a lone cyclist. People were still coming up from the beaches so there was plenty of opportunity for getting doored (surfboarded!), motorists heading to LA were impatient and aggressive and even with two front lights | felt effectively invisible.

Finally | crossed Sunset Blvd and made the final mile-long treacherous length along PCH to the bike path. Hitting the bike path was an enormous relief. From there | took a left up Channel Road and the nearly impossibly steep Entrada Drive to 7th street. After that, it was a cool breeze through Santa Monica to meet Tom.

I took the bus home after dinner.

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Catalogue free ot any Columbian dealer or by mail for 2-cent stamp.

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Chainless, ‘$75; Chain, $50, $35, $26, $25.

We'd heard

out in Highland Park who” was

starting to open up his garage on wednesday nights to one and all to come hang out, drink box wine and fix their bikes. We sent an envoy on the hard ride down Sunset, Cesar Chavez and Figueroa to check out the situation.

BP: Who are you?

JB: My names' Josef Bray- Ali. My Mom's — from Hungary and my Dad's from India. | grew up in LA on the Westside in Venice. There's like a full-on surf scene there. Since | can't make it to the beach in the mornings anymore, | started biking - this BMX over here. What happened was that | went to the TRON ride for Midnight Ridaz and | tried to go on the fast ride that they had that night and i got fucking smoked, man. | had like 15 people roll past me and say, get a real bike, dude’. Once we got to Flower | was huffing, dying, pedalling as fast as | could. Someone was like, "You're working the hardest out here, bro. Keep it up!". They told me we were going to Commerce and | was like, fuck it!’, right? So | realized at that point that | wasn't the only person in LA riding my bike at 2am in the morning - like, | wasn't alone. So | started going to every event every friday, driving my car wherever | needed to go, stay at my parent's house on the other side of the city to go to critical mass. And | got fired up. There's a scene of people that, you know, it became a big middle finger to all the stuff that keeps me indoors like the internet. Fucking’ TV. | just don't care about it any more. You can give a lot back to the internet but at the end of the day it sucks a lot out of you and you're not learning about what there IS to do in life. So anyway, after cruising around for three or four months doing this whole bike thing, and really fucking loving it, | get this problem where if | don't get enough physical exercise | get headaches,

= FTKEPLAGUE

about a guy = | a

: a . — = i jus 7 es S t me .

r -

get ancy, can't think at work so | get on my bike and ride it all the time and to actually have a place to go and have other people there doing this shit - well, | think that's really fucking cool, right? And after going to the Bicycle Kitchen and seeing what they do, | went out and bought this really ridiculously expensive Scott bike. That's the bike I ride right now. Just got a loan for it!

BP: So, "Bike Oven". Kinda "Bicycle Kitchen" related, right?

JB: Yeah, | thought I'd steal some of their fire, but not ruin their name. This place totally sucks - look there, there's a hole in the ceiling where all this shit was leaking through a couple of months ago. So that [going to the Bicycle Kitchen] was a big deal. | thought, I'd like to do something like an East LA or Highland Park version vibing off what they had. But | don't really have any on the ground organizational skills, and | don't really give a fuck about helping people with their bikes | just wanted a place where people can come and get drunk and work on their bikes and be one of those things which after three or four years is just gone, and people would just say, “Yeah, |! was there, it was this total vibe...”.

BP: So in 2010 when all the bike kids have moved down from Portland to LA, people can talk about it?

+ | om

JB: Yeah, be like, “tools - you weren't there when the bike oven was there and that shit was totally blowing up". A really shitty space, I'm paying nothing for rent, just do stuff to the walls where it just doesn't matter. So | didn't want to fuck with the Kitchen, who are totally organised and everything. [other people arrive] Hey! Come on in, pull up a seat - you want some box wine? We've got merlot, and there's cookies down there...

BP: What vintage of wine have you got? JB: This is a 2006.

BP: Nice.

JB: A good year.

BP: What about tea and cookies?

JB: Well, these are cheap cookies from the shop down the road. ANYWAY, | set this place up as a place for people east of downtown, so you don't need to ride over a mountain or through downtown to get here. There's a ton of stuff | want to do in this neighbourhood - theres a bunch of kids who just hang out on the corner and drink 40's, right? but |

"Tm Lag ! °o SPprove o¢ ban z WH dame),

organised, like the mafia or anything, but they'll just throw your life away, you know? So | fixed their flat tires. I'm not going to totally change their lives but at least they'll be able to change a flat tire. There's this one kid - there's a whole story for each kid - but there's this one kid who's kinda chubby. He comes out one day with this dead ringer for a colt 45 and goes round the neighbourhood shooting at shit. So of course someone calls the cops on him. He got arrested and they took his little pellet gun and the cops sort of made up this thing about how he'd been reported holding up cars and asking for the drivers money. So anyway, it turns out that this kid works in a tire shop just down the road and two weeks ago this kid just changes three kids' tires in, no shit, like five minutes flat. He totally has skills. Gets the whole thing of the rim, fixes the tube and back on the rim in two minutes. He does that stuff all day, it's how he makes his money. So that

kid came as a total surprise. They were bummed last

week ‘cos | was at this BikeWinter

meeting so |

(am hy = ry ee A ae, ere ‘py re

they don't do shit with themselves. they're like ~~ _ | =

tagging their neighbour's fences every saturday fies

night. what a pointless waste of your life. the have so much talent and potential. so | had them all come in here a week ago and we fixed all their low- rider bikes up and every time | roll now, | tell these kids where im going. before they were just like, "where you goin’, foo?", and I'm like, "I'm going to this insane echo park ride. what you guys up to?" - "y'know man, just kickin’ it, holding it down". But you know, holding it down is bullshit. | saw these kids and | thought that if they had some middle class white guy told them to roll with him that it would be alright, that everything would be ok. most people on these rides look have an education - they just look like they're homeless! | just dress like I'm homeless. People at work think I'm some sort of hippy.

BP: So you're trying to get these kids to join the bike scene?

JB: Yeah. They sell drugs on the side. It's not

e=== BI KEPLAGUE + |, ees ee Q

couldn't be about. They're probably not

here this week because | wasn't around last week until, like, 10pm, and that's the LA curfew for kids below 18 without a note from parents or employer. And these kids, half of them are on probation. They're all rebelling - like, “yeah, this kids said | was a punk, so | socked him in the face", then the cops come and pick them up. That's your rebellion? That's it? yeah, you're really giving it to the MAN there! And once you're in the system, past 18, and you have a record, that's it! you're done. this state is fucked up.

So we'll see where it goes. And by the way, this place has wireless internet!

BP: Awesome. Thanks for the interview!

Off with all b U dumbass t your front wheel,

Better, But your front wheel is still stealable! An added bonus if the bike next to yours is locked up as in the first option: they just

combine your front wheel with

your neighbour's all-but-front-

wheel and ride off. duh!

Finally! (Althou gh a thic cable would be nice) =

Tuesday 10th (CMcehcuns eee (eres a Ride to a ™" Veggie Restaurant at 7pm meeting at the A-house, 210 N. Rampart Blvd. On Thursday 12th there's a ride around Downtown art galleries meeting at 5pm at Venice and Hope (I think). On Friday it's the ever- popular Midnight Ridazz! 9:30o0m at Sunset and Echo Park, kids. B& there. Saturday 14th is a bia one: there's our own event the Feel My Legs I'm é Racer stage race on thé Pa, hills of Echo Park anq << Silverlake. It'll be a lot of funt % all welcome, and _ fooc afterwards. Again, meet a the A-house, 210 N Rampart Blvd. Later in the afternoon there's the DI Fest at The Smell, 247 S. Main St in Downtown. Plenty of bike stuff for you punkers including bike commuting and maintenance workshops. Finally at 7om on Saturday there's a BikeWinter art show. More info is yet to be revealed on this one.

—=—THE-Aa

SZ UN ycycte *

uck cars! e have bikes!

January 15th - 21st: Sunday the 15th brings BikeWinter to a close in style with Urban Bike Assault's Cannonball Run scavenger hunt race. I've never seen the movie but | bet it's rad. UBA recommend you see the movie and dress up as your favorite team. Teams of two. Meet 532 S. Olive St. Los Angeles at 3pm. If you don't have a friend, turn up and chances are you'll find someone there. AND there will be a BBQ afterwards!!! The rest of the week is quiet except for Northeast LA Critical Mass at 6:30om on Friday the 20th. Meet at Avenue 57 Gold Line Station 151 N. Ave. fauet = 957 in Highland Park.

January 22th - 28th: in fact, the rest of the month Is a little quiet except for the triumvirate of critical masses (massii?) on Friday the 27th. At 60m, Los Angeles Critical Mass meets at

Sunday, January 5th! §Wilshire and Western; at the

same time Pasadena Critical Mass meets at Wild Oats - 603 S. Lake (at California). | guess if you're a really, really fast rider you could then make it down to Long Beach Critical Mass at 7pm at the Downtown Bike Station.

roads ,

ER... ed the ir THE SCORCH gis ebait oc te iD clasts PigiSng speed “¢ tat's their ore! 1 am the scorcher! ee éolks Please chserve eae it, just the sare- The curve spine I quess That agpertains to TY With head ducked low unless he tracks for me} 1g They clear Qver man and beast, and woe Because, you See, of zeal, 1 an the Souder, the vheel ae hen I tingling! amd just the thing T lodk Like unknown) Let people jay (author pnd go to law qb try to check my gputy e=eBIKEPLAGUE #1 11 =

“shit.”

| had just gotten done with the tri-team’s noon swim workout when | realized that | didn’t bring a change of clothes with me to campus. | had class in 30 minutes, which meant i had just enough time to ride back to my place, change, and get to class.

[OMPROMI SF

I quickly slip out of my swimsuit in a locker-room stall — i'm cool with my body, but super private — and throw on our new team warmups. we'd had them all of a week, and they felt nice on. except for the fact that | wasnt wearing anything underneath anymore; they're so baggy that | felta little weird.

anyway. | throw on my cleats, hurry out to my fyxie, fold up my pant leg, unlock, and roll out. i'm heading away from the gym, on mcclintock, towards where it crosses jefferson. it's one of the busiest intersections near campus. the “red hand” starts to flash in the crosswalk and | realizethat if i wanna make this light, 1 better speed up. | do, and it looks like im gonna make it, except for one thing: my pant leg is starting to roll down.

“shit. whatever. I'll fix it when i get across.” shoulda just fucking fixed it.

suddenly i feel a tug at my right foot: my pant-leg is caught.

im careening towards the intersection... my gears are turning... my pant-leg...

pc tloee

... catch-ing...

... Wrap-ping...

... pull-ing...

i got going too fast, and now | can't stop the turning. THIS is what | get for being in a hurry.

with every stroke, my pants are being pulled down, down, down... (m not even in the intersection yet, but there’s no stopping me and there's nowhere to pull over. im struggling to maintain my balance as my right foot is being bound to my pedal - so much for clipping out — and i’m bracing myself against my bike, trying to

iD leg

keep my balance, hanging onto my waistband for dear life.

little miss, “can’t-even-change-in-the-locker-room-like- a-normal-person-because-she’s-so-victorian-about her-own-nakedness” is now about to have her pants pulled down in the middle of an intersection and she’s not wearing her swimsuit anymore.

Llst to a bicyc ‘this IS Ok, . !

Just pull down your jacket top,” i think to myself, “it'll be fine; don’t freak.”

C...

wrong. | feel the tension ease against my clenched fist. then i hear the rip.

unable to withstand the pulling at both ends, my right pant leg rips in 2 places — the inner and outer seam - and there go my pants. suddenly my right pant leg is flowing in the wind behind me, ass bare, for everyone to see, RIGHT as i enter the intersection.

i am mortified.

the moment lasts forever.

walkers stop walking.

drivers stop driving.

i'm not exactly the kind of person that people look at and go, "she could stop traffic,” but i did it.

pants flapping, arms flailing... ass just OUT there. i cant even believe this is happening.

| barely make it across the intersection because, of course, by now I’ve managed to slow myself down. | half hobble, haltf-roll myself off to the side of the road and into the gutter. this is just great.

so i'm standing over my bike, only my left leg unclipped, trying to hold my ripped pants together. people are still staring at me, and cars are now honking at each other, trying to get the others to move. | can't believe i'm not crying. i try, but my right leg won’t come unclipped and i can’t exactly bend over to try and untangle my pant leg because, you know... my assill hang out (i can’t even believe i'm writing this. 'm so embarrassed.). |

=p 12 me FT KE PLAGUE + | am

can't back pedal because i can’t get my back tire off the ground because | can’t lift my bike because im still standing OVER the damn thing! ugh! i am so PISSED right now!

i manage to get myself lying on the ground: head up on the curb, wheels in the bike lane. still holding my pants together with my left hand. with my rear wheel free to turn, | try to pedal backwards, but my right leg and pedal are scraping against the ground and with every move, my pants are being tugged away from my left hand. i'm lying in the gutter, still straddling my bike, ass still facing the intersection, and i have NO idea how the hell i'm gonna get out of this.

rather

chosen not

after 7 or 8 minutes of this, and listening to passers-by whisper, “did that just happen?” a pastor from the united university church stops to help me. at least, | thought he was gonna help me. instead he decides to say, “I th-thought | would j-j-just s-st-sto-sto-aw-aw-awp and tell you th-that,” — jesus christ padre, say it - “I could see you from across the street and well, let me Just say, that you're in a rather compromised position. if you know what | mean...because...well...seeing as you've chosen not to wear any undergarments today.”

great: fucking church man thinks i'm some whore rolling around USC at noon, showing off her whatever because that's just how she is. god this sucks. so embarrassed.

oh look: there goes tyler from my art class... “yeah hi, tyler... no, no, I’m fine... yeah, see you tonight...no seriously: GO. yes, I’m ok. thanks, GO...” god i hate my life.

| start to pull patches off of my bag - thank god for safety pins! — and use them to put the pieces of pant leg back together. i only have 6, though, and i have a rio that goes all the way up my inseam and then one that goes from the outer, bottom-of-the-pant-leg zipper to the waistband. 6 is NOT gonna do it. still, the pins help me secure the back side so that i can start to lean a bit and use my hand to cover another part of my exposed anatomy, and actually get to back pedaling. after about 10 minutes on the ground, i get my right foot free and unclip. whew.

but i’m still on the ground w/ my bike and in pants that don’t have an ass anymore. fucking cheap-ass USC warmups. I'm beyond embarrassed now. now i'm just

"let me just say, that you're in a compromised _ position... because... well... seeing as you've

undergarments

pissed and wondering what the hell i'm gonna do about this shit.

i manage to drag myself away from my bike and up onto the curb. | tuck my long jacket up under me and put my head in my hands. I’m not going anywhere.

after almost 30 minutes, a man in fancy workout clothes and _ big sunglasses - ANY someone i _ totally today. " expect to walk past me and laugh in my face — leans